Interpersonal skill

Emotional Intelligence

Recognizing and managing emotions.

Brilliantics illustration for “Emotional Intelligence”: the skill symbol over orbiting light trails on a deep blue field.

This is the difference between having a feeling and knowing what it is about. Most of the time the feeling arrives first and its reason arrives late, or never.

What it is

Ability to perceive, understand, and manage emotions.

What is trained here is not a property of your character. It is a series of choices you make at specific moments — and choices, unlike character, change with practice.

What it is not

This is not being calm, and it is not being pleasant. A person who never shows anything has not managed a feeling, they have hidden one, and a person who is always warm can still read the room wrong. What is trained here is naming what is happening and checking whether your reading of someone else is true.

Where you meet it

Three scenes where the skill is actually tested — not as an idea, but as a choice you have to make inside a few seconds.

  1. You have been in a bad mood since about eleven and you cannot say what started it.
  2. You decide someone is annoyed with you from one short reply, and you act on that reading all day.
  3. You say yes to something and it sits badly with you for two days before you look at why.

How it is measured

The skill is not scored as an impression. It breaks into observable indicators, and each indicator has two ends a third party can recognise.

Emotion Recognition

Whether you can replace an adjective about yourself with a sentence that has a cause in it.

When it is missingThe state has a name like fine or annoyed, with no time, no cause and no object attached to it.
When it is thereYou place it in time and say what it is about, then check whether the sentence covers the whole thing.

Emotional Regulation

What you do between a feeling arriving and your response going out.

When it is missingThe response leaves at the same speed as the feeling, and matches it in size.
When it is thereYou buy a gap on purpose, decide what you want to be true in five minutes, and answer that instead.

Social Awareness

Whether you treat your reading of another person as something to be checked.

When it is missingOne short reply is enough for a conclusion about someone, and the rest of the day is built on it.
When it is thereYou say your reading out loud as a sentence with your name in it, and look for a second explanation that fits the same evidence.

Empathic Response

Whether your answer is aimed at what the other person is dealing with rather than at what you would do.

When it is missingYou answer with the solution you would use, and the other person stops giving you information.
When it is thereYou ask a question only they can answer, open rather than yes or no, and wait for the whole answer.

Relationship Management

Whether what you know about a person is used in front of them or behind the argument.

When it is missingYou use the wording you know works on someone without saying that this is why you chose it.
When it is thereYou could say out loud why you put it that way, and they still hold everything they would need in order to say no.

The path, level by level

  • Level 1You learn to replace the adjective with a sentence that has a cause and an object in it.
  • Level 2You learn to treat your reading of someone as a hypothesis with your name on it.
  • Level 3You learn to ask what a feeling is pointing at before you follow it.
  • Level 4You learn where using what you know about a person stops being persuasion.

The vocabulary

The words you pick up here are not vocabulary for show. They are handles: once a pattern has a name, it becomes something you can watch happen and interrupt.

  • a sentence instead of an adjective
  • a reading is a hypothesis
  • the feeling as a pointer
  • the second explanation
  • persuading and steering

Terms you learn here

The scientific basis

The base here is the ability model of emotion. Peter Salovey and John Mayer, psychologists who defined emotional intelligence as a set of abilities that can be tested rather than a personality type, and Marc Brackett, a researcher who built school programmes on it, treat naming and reading as skills that change with practice.

How it is practised in Brilliantics

Lessons

  • Naming What You Feel

    The distance between "I feel bad" and a sentence that says what actually happened.

    15 min

  • Reading Someone Wrong

    Why the meaning you give an expression often says more about you than about them.

    20 min

  • Feeling as Information

    Emotion is not noise on top of reasoning. How to hear it without obeying it.

    20 min

  • The Limits of Emotional Skill

    The same skill that reaches someone can steer them. Where the line is, and why it concerns you.

    20 min

Missions

  • Two Hours Later

    A friend got the thing you had quietly assumed would come to you. You said congratulations and meant it, and two hours later you were sharp with someone who had done nothing.

    Difficulty 2/5

  • You Read It Wrong

    Someone you work closely with has gone short and quiet for two weeks, and you have decided you know why. You are about to act on a reading of them that you have never once checked.

    Difficulty 3/5

  • The Yes That Sits Badly

    The plan on the table works on paper and the person proposing it wants an answer today. Something in you is saying no and you cannot yet say what it is pointing at.

    Difficulty 3/5

  • You Know What Works On Them

    You need one person to agree, and you know the exact sentence that would get their yes because you know what they are afraid of. The sentence is true, the decision is defensible, and using it would still be a way of deciding for them.

    Difficulty 4/5

Reflection prompts

  • Think of the last time you said you were fine and were not. What would the accurate sentence have been?
  • Think of someone whose silence you explained to yourself. What did your explanation assume about you?
  • When did a bad feeling about a decision turn out to be pointing at a real fact?
  • Think of a time you knew exactly what to say to get a yes. What did you do with that?

Related skills

Sources

Every claim on this page maps to published research. The citations link to the original source.

  1. Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional Intelligence — doi:10.2190/DUGG-P24E-52WK-6CDG
  2. Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., & Salovey, P. (2011). Emotional Intelligence — doi:10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00334.x

Frequently asked questions

What is emotional intelligence?

This is the difference between having a feeling and knowing what it is about. Most of the time the feeling arrives first and its reason arrives late, or never.

How do I improve emotional intelligence?

Through practice in real situations with feedback, not through reading. The path has four levels: You learn to replace the adjective with a sentence that has a cause and an object in it. Then, You learn to treat your reading of someone as a hypothesis with your name on it. Then, You learn to ask what a feeling is pointing at before you follow it. Then, You learn where using what you know about a person stops being persuasion.

How is emotional intelligence measured?

Through 5 observable behavioural indicators — for example "Emotion Recognition": Whether you can replace an adjective about yourself with a sentence that has a cause in it. Scoring happens in scenarios where you choose what you would do, not in a self-assessment questionnaire.

What is emotional intelligence often confused with?

This is not being calm, and it is not being pleasant. A person who never shows anything has not managed a feeling, they have hidden one, and a person who is always warm can still read the room wrong. What is trained here is naming what is happening and checking whether your reading of someone else is true.